As I have read through this book in the past week, I have felt myself going through my own grieving process again. I felt the pain, the anger, the confusion, and the emptiness just as I read Lewis' words. I couldn't believe I was allowing myself to read something that was bringing me back to such despair. I appreciated Lewis for his honesty, yet I felt bitter while reading his perfectly written similes. However, this last chapter that I read gave me a restored hope. As he was able to bring his thoughts together to make sense, I felt like I was doing the same within me.
It seems like in his last chapter he is somewhat nearing the end of his grieving cycle. He is starting to see the silver lining around the clouds. Everything just seems to be more positive than before : "When I lay these questions before God I get no response. But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand.'" You see how he still has some of the same questions but he is seeing the answer in a different light? That is the hope that God puts in us, only sometimes it takes us longer to remember our hope.
There is a couple more sentences I want to quote, and then I'll close: "Lord, are these your real terms? Can I meet H. again only if I learn to love you so much that I don't care whether I meet her or not?" I have felt that way so passionately in the past that it made me want to give up on God. I felt that I couldn't love Him enough to forget the person I had lost.
My dad died when I was fourteen years old, and my relationship with God was brand new at the time. I knew my dad was in heaven and felt like I needed to really be right with God so I could see my dad again someday. After many failed attempts, I finally just cried before God; it was impossible. It was then that God could finally wrap me in His arms; when I stopped worrying about having to love God. When I let go and just loosened my fears.
Much like Lewis, the few memories I have with my dad are slowly blurring. I can't see every detail of his face, or the exact color of his blue eyes. But the realtionship I had with him is still very real to me. And I love that God respects that and understands my hurts and is loving me through my pain. The silver lining has come into view and hope has reached my heart once again. I want to say thanks to C.S. Lewis for bringing up my past pain and my current peace. "For weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
A Grief Observed, Chapter 1...
Wow, so I was kind of dreading reading this since it's 10pm and I still have other homework tonight (this is what I get for procrastinating yet again). Man am I glad I read this, and not just because I promised Professor Corrigan I would read the rest of our assignments on time from now on (even though that's why i read it in the first place!). For some reason, I always forget how much I love Lewis' works until I pick one up and read it.
One of my favorite lines from this chapter was this: "Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything." I love how he uses this sort of oxymoronish sentence to depict what is reality. The sky is obviously present, and is all over the place. But someone's absence means they are not present, yet it is still felt everywhere. That sentence kind of connects with the last thing he said in this chapter, which I also love: "But her voice is still vivid. The remembered voice- that can turn me at any moment to a whimpering child."
I can see that he is experiencing real grief, the kind of grief that comes only when you lose someone so dear to you that you feel you can't live without them. I love that he doesn't try to preach to himself, but instead just says exactly what he is feeling. God is still real, but so are we. It is ok for us to say exactly what we are feeling, especially when we our feelings are so obviously real.
There aren’t many feelings that have such intensity as grief, but Lewis touches on one of the very few that do: love. He loved H. so much that he felt it even in the very core of his being. The feeling of grief is very much the same as love in power, but totally different at the same time. But it is a feeling none the less, and is as real as the person we have lost.
One of my favorite lines from this chapter was this: "Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything." I love how he uses this sort of oxymoronish sentence to depict what is reality. The sky is obviously present, and is all over the place. But someone's absence means they are not present, yet it is still felt everywhere. That sentence kind of connects with the last thing he said in this chapter, which I also love: "But her voice is still vivid. The remembered voice- that can turn me at any moment to a whimpering child."
I can see that he is experiencing real grief, the kind of grief that comes only when you lose someone so dear to you that you feel you can't live without them. I love that he doesn't try to preach to himself, but instead just says exactly what he is feeling. God is still real, but so are we. It is ok for us to say exactly what we are feeling, especially when we our feelings are so obviously real.
There aren’t many feelings that have such intensity as grief, but Lewis touches on one of the very few that do: love. He loved H. so much that he felt it even in the very core of his being. The feeling of grief is very much the same as love in power, but totally different at the same time. But it is a feeling none the less, and is as real as the person we have lost.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Happy Endings...Or Not
Isn't it funny how we dream up the perfect future for our lives even though we can see that everyone around us is living with those bumps in the road that we wish we'll never have?
Girls can probably relate with me a little more on this topic..not to be sexist or stereotypical. But while we grew up playing with dolls and pretending to be house wives with our toy kitchen sets, boys were running around squishing bugs and beating each other up. I think we can all pretty much agree that girls think about getting married and having families much earlier than boys do in life. But on the other hand, once boys get to the point where they actually notice us girls, they too start planning their dream world futures.
We go to college to live out the first part of our dream; this is preparation time for future careers, and for some it is the time to find their soul mate. We begin to decided on our picture perfect job that we think we will have for our entire lives, and a spouse that we will marry and love perfectly until the day we die. But seldom do we imagine what life may really end up being like for us.
Divorce, financial struggles, death, natural disasters; these are things we don't plan on experiencing. Sure we may plan for some of these things financially, but I don't think there is any way to emotionally prepare for things that can and will happen in our lifetime. It is said that a major life changing tragedy happens approximately every seven years. And that is if your lucky; I can think of four in my life so far and I am not 28 years old!
In Happy Endings, the author does a pretty good job at elaborating on the point I am trying to make. We are human, which means we have a naturally sinful disposition. We can't expect all of our dreams to come out picture perfect, it really doesn't even happen that way in the movies these days. I sound pretty pessimistic, but I'm trying to be real with myself. Of course I hope and pray that I live a happy and successful life, so I'll keep dreaming up my perfect future like the rest of the world. =)
Girls can probably relate with me a little more on this topic..not to be sexist or stereotypical. But while we grew up playing with dolls and pretending to be house wives with our toy kitchen sets, boys were running around squishing bugs and beating each other up. I think we can all pretty much agree that girls think about getting married and having families much earlier than boys do in life. But on the other hand, once boys get to the point where they actually notice us girls, they too start planning their dream world futures.
We go to college to live out the first part of our dream; this is preparation time for future careers, and for some it is the time to find their soul mate. We begin to decided on our picture perfect job that we think we will have for our entire lives, and a spouse that we will marry and love perfectly until the day we die. But seldom do we imagine what life may really end up being like for us.
Divorce, financial struggles, death, natural disasters; these are things we don't plan on experiencing. Sure we may plan for some of these things financially, but I don't think there is any way to emotionally prepare for things that can and will happen in our lifetime. It is said that a major life changing tragedy happens approximately every seven years. And that is if your lucky; I can think of four in my life so far and I am not 28 years old!
In Happy Endings, the author does a pretty good job at elaborating on the point I am trying to make. We are human, which means we have a naturally sinful disposition. We can't expect all of our dreams to come out picture perfect, it really doesn't even happen that way in the movies these days. I sound pretty pessimistic, but I'm trying to be real with myself. Of course I hope and pray that I live a happy and successful life, so I'll keep dreaming up my perfect future like the rest of the world. =)
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
What is love anyway?
There has to be a hundred definitions for the word love; the hard part is narrowing that definition into a single sentence or paragraph even. It would take an entire lifetime to recite one's definition of love; it cannot be spoken of as much as it can be lived.
I like how Raymond Carver described love through the actions, body language, and dialog of his characters instead of writing out a definiton or trying to explain what love is. Sure his characters took a few swings at trying to define love, but even they went back and forth and never really agreed with each other. Or at least Mel and Terri didn't agree. It makes me wonder what Carver's explanation of love would be, since there was never a solution at the end. Maybe his answer is that love changes from person to person, depending on how we choose to live and respond to love.
One of the first lines that really caught my attention in this piece was in lines 38-39:
"It was love," Terri said. "Sure, it's abnormal in most people's eyes. But he was willing to die for it. He did die for it."
If I took these sentences out of the context of this story, I could totally relate this to the love of Christ. His love was definitely abnormal compared to the world. He loved the people who hated him, who were dirty and filthy, and who had nothing in common with him. Most people love because it is comfortable and feels right; I don't think the kind of love Christ calls us to have is always going to be comfortable. We are called to love people who mock the very essence of our purpose for living. That doesn't sound appealing to me; yet that is what Christ did and what he calls us to do. In fact, he is so passionate about this kind of love that he died for it. I haven't heard of anyone who died for something they didn't truly believe in. He lived for this love and died for this love.
But let's go back to the context of the story and then read lines 38-39. This man died because of the love he had for Terri. But the love he had for her was lived out through hateful acts. Is this truly love? Could Terri's perspective of love be skewed, possibly by her own life expereiences? If I had to guess, that is what is happening here. Mel went to seminary, although he dropped out. But that experience helped to shape his definition of love. Laura and Nick have their own definition of love that seems to be shaped by the relationship they have with one another.
I'm sure my life experiences are shaping my definition of love as well. But I pray that my experiences will only lead me closer to the definition of love that God has laid out for us in His Word. So many verses come to mind that it is hard to use just one to describe the love of God. However, this particular verse has a lot of meaning and obligation to it, so I would like to leave you with ~John 15:13~
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
I like how Raymond Carver described love through the actions, body language, and dialog of his characters instead of writing out a definiton or trying to explain what love is. Sure his characters took a few swings at trying to define love, but even they went back and forth and never really agreed with each other. Or at least Mel and Terri didn't agree. It makes me wonder what Carver's explanation of love would be, since there was never a solution at the end. Maybe his answer is that love changes from person to person, depending on how we choose to live and respond to love.
One of the first lines that really caught my attention in this piece was in lines 38-39:
"It was love," Terri said. "Sure, it's abnormal in most people's eyes. But he was willing to die for it. He did die for it."
If I took these sentences out of the context of this story, I could totally relate this to the love of Christ. His love was definitely abnormal compared to the world. He loved the people who hated him, who were dirty and filthy, and who had nothing in common with him. Most people love because it is comfortable and feels right; I don't think the kind of love Christ calls us to have is always going to be comfortable. We are called to love people who mock the very essence of our purpose for living. That doesn't sound appealing to me; yet that is what Christ did and what he calls us to do. In fact, he is so passionate about this kind of love that he died for it. I haven't heard of anyone who died for something they didn't truly believe in. He lived for this love and died for this love.
But let's go back to the context of the story and then read lines 38-39. This man died because of the love he had for Terri. But the love he had for her was lived out through hateful acts. Is this truly love? Could Terri's perspective of love be skewed, possibly by her own life expereiences? If I had to guess, that is what is happening here. Mel went to seminary, although he dropped out. But that experience helped to shape his definition of love. Laura and Nick have their own definition of love that seems to be shaped by the relationship they have with one another.
I'm sure my life experiences are shaping my definition of love as well. But I pray that my experiences will only lead me closer to the definition of love that God has laid out for us in His Word. So many verses come to mind that it is hard to use just one to describe the love of God. However, this particular verse has a lot of meaning and obligation to it, so I would like to leave you with ~John 15:13~
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Post One: Literature!
Like many of you, my earliest memories of literature are the children's books that were read to me as a child. While there aren't many I remember, I do recall the big green book with the little boy and the huge tree. Some of you may know what I am talking about; the boy talks to an old man and there are amny stories about that one tree. At this point my memory isn't good enough to know what the moral of that story was, but whenever I see the lime green book in a library or bookstore I am brought back to my younger years. Of course, there were some other classic books like Dr. Suess and The Frog and the Toad.
Some of my most recent memories of literature are the books I read throughout this past summer. For some reason I had a lot of time on my hands and decided to fill it with reading, which is not how I usually decide to spend my spare time. I'm so glad I decided to pick up books that summer; I realized how much fun it is to read (and finish) a really good book. I read five or six books in those four months, which is a record for me! My favorite one is a tie between A Time to Embrace by Karen Kinsgbury, Between Sundays by Karen Kingsbury, and Crazy Love by Francis Chan. There was also a book that I absolutely hated but read through the entire thing anyway. I couldn't even tell you the name of it, but I think the plot was just horrible.
The most significant literary text I have read comes from a very small book called Safe People by Cloud and Townsend. It was short but very life changing for me. This book has helped me to become a better person and ambassador for Christ. There are other great books I have read, but I won't get into that! Literature is important because it is a way of mass communicating with the world. If you have something to say to billions of people, than writing a book is the way to do it. The only way literature may be insignificant is that it will one day parish. I think the only book that will be in Heaven is the Bible; we won't have commentaries to help us understand it, or those Dummies books to teach us how to create blogs or learn a language. It will be insignificant compared to the glory of God that we will be experiencing. Other than that, I think literature is a wonderful thing and God even uses it to communicate to the world the message of the cross.
Some of my most recent memories of literature are the books I read throughout this past summer. For some reason I had a lot of time on my hands and decided to fill it with reading, which is not how I usually decide to spend my spare time. I'm so glad I decided to pick up books that summer; I realized how much fun it is to read (and finish) a really good book. I read five or six books in those four months, which is a record for me! My favorite one is a tie between A Time to Embrace by Karen Kinsgbury, Between Sundays by Karen Kingsbury, and Crazy Love by Francis Chan. There was also a book that I absolutely hated but read through the entire thing anyway. I couldn't even tell you the name of it, but I think the plot was just horrible.
The most significant literary text I have read comes from a very small book called Safe People by Cloud and Townsend. It was short but very life changing for me. This book has helped me to become a better person and ambassador for Christ. There are other great books I have read, but I won't get into that! Literature is important because it is a way of mass communicating with the world. If you have something to say to billions of people, than writing a book is the way to do it. The only way literature may be insignificant is that it will one day parish. I think the only book that will be in Heaven is the Bible; we won't have commentaries to help us understand it, or those Dummies books to teach us how to create blogs or learn a language. It will be insignificant compared to the glory of God that we will be experiencing. Other than that, I think literature is a wonderful thing and God even uses it to communicate to the world the message of the cross.
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