A Final Grief Observed

As I have read through this book in the past week, I have felt myself going through my own grieving process again. I felt the pain, the anger, the confusion, and the emptiness just as I read Lewis' words. I couldn't believe I was allowing myself to read something that was bringing me back to such despair. I appreciated Lewis for his honesty, yet I felt bitter while reading his perfectly written similes. However, this last chapter that I read gave me a restored hope. As he was able to bring his thoughts together to make sense, I felt like I was doing the same within me.

It seems like in his last chapter he is somewhat nearing the end of his grieving cycle. He is starting to see the silver lining around the clouds. Everything just seems to be more positive than before : "When I lay these questions before God I get no response. But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand.'" You see how he still has some of the same questions but he is seeing the answer in a different light? That is the hope that God puts in us, only sometimes it takes us longer to remember our hope.

There is a couple more sentences I want to quote, and then I'll close: "Lord, are these your real terms? Can I meet H. again only if I learn to love you so much that I don't care whether I meet her or not?" I have felt that way so passionately in the past that it made me want to give up on God. I felt that I couldn't love Him enough to forget the person I had lost.

My dad died when I was fourteen years old, and my relationship with God was brand new at the time. I knew my dad was in heaven and felt like I needed to really be right with God so I could see my dad again someday. After many failed attempts, I finally just cried before God; it was impossible. It was then that God could finally wrap me in His arms; when I stopped worrying about having to love God. When I let go and just loosened my fears.

Much like Lewis, the few memories I have with my dad are slowly blurring. I can't see every detail of his face, or the exact color of his blue eyes. But the realtionship I had with him is still very real to me. And I love that God respects that and understands my hurts and is loving me through my pain. The silver lining has come into view and hope has reached my heart once again. I want to say thanks to C.S. Lewis for bringing up my past pain and my current peace. "For weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5